I am suddenly inspired to stomp on the joy of millions of children

Before I begin, let me say that I like kids. At least the kind that were raised to behave like human beings and respect other people and things. But there is one thing that, when owned by any child on the planet, makes me crazy.

Those stupid sneakers with the wheels in them.

They annoy me.

I just don't think it's okay for kids to skate anywhere they feel like it. And the kids that have them are always doing things like weaving down the aisles of stores. They never pay attention to other people or care if they are in the way or being dangerous. These are also the same children whose parents will sue everyone in sight if their precious angel were to crash and get hurt while roller skating unprotected (I've never seen a kid in a helmet rolling around the mall) in the sort of place where they shouldn't.

I curse the day these things were invented and always applaud stores with signs banning them.

And know I know why I will never be in style

In the past few years, I will admit that I have been becoming more girly. I carry a purse (something I resisted for years). I dress for work. I wear make up. I splurge on the occasional manicure and pedicure. Heck, I finally have nails to get manicured. But I've resisted all interest in fashion beyond the practical, "I don't want to look completely out of touch when I show up for work."

However, every so often, my mother and/or sisters will hand me an issue of In Style magazine that they are through with. And even less often I will find myself bored enough to actually read it.

Tonight was one of those times. I am happy to report that it served to remind me why it is completely not worth the effort for me to even try to be in style (beyond the fact that I see nothing wrong with wearing white whenever you damn well please).

I am completely uninspired by helpful advice like the following, found in an article entitled "365 Star Style Secrets: Boost your style quotient this year with some celebrity know-how."

* "Nothing is sexier than the red sole of a Christian Louboutin heel." - Lindsay Lohan

* "To make lips look naturally pink, I put on -- then wipe off -- red lipstick and then apply clear gloss." - Halle Berry

* "If I don't wear a bra with a dress, I wear pasties so my breasts aren't like, 'Hello!'" - Gisele Bundchen

* "Bring your hot husband along and you can do no wrong." - Becki Newton

* Try individual false lashes. For a big event all you need to wear are fake lashes to look glamorous." - Daisy Fuentes

Phew! I am so glad to have all of this expert advice at my fingertips.