...there's no place like the Turnpike

A displaced Jersey girl who adjusted to life in Kentucky just in time to head back home.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I (heart) Zack Morris

While I'm on the subject of true confessions, for a disturbingly long period of time, I had a minor obsession with Saved By the Bell. I blame some college friends for the extended portion of this obsessions (I'm being nice and not naming names, but you know who you are).

I watched Saved By the Bell and the hours of syndicated reruns as a high school student. My sister and I were known to do our homework in front of it on a Saturday morning. I knew the words to the theme song. I thought Zack was cuter than Slater and Jessie was cooler than Kelly. I felt a certain brotherhood with Screech.

But it was said college friends that took a happy liking to the level of obsession. My housemates and I were into list making and we kept a list on the coffee table of cheesy sitcoms produced by Peter Engel. (Complete list: Good Morning, Miss Bliss (starring Haley Mills and later repackaged as Saved By the Bell), Saved By the Bell, California Dreams, Hang Time, USA High, City Guys, several extra versions of Saved By the Bell, Malibu, CA). We watched any one that came one. We quoted lines, especially "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so...scared!" We sang theme songs. We relived favorite episodes.

I know, deep down, that it was kind of sad. But it was fun. It was a very...college...thing to do. Five people living under one roof with one bathroom were no strangers to conflict, but this was something we could bond over. D and I were continuously at each other's throats for the entire three years we lived in proximity to one another, and he and I could find common ground over two things: Ready, Set, Cook on FoodTV and the genius of Peter Engel.

After that year in that crazy house, I moved to Cincinnati to go to graduate school. One Saturday morning, feeling lonely and homesick, I turned on the TV to see the final episode ever of Saved By the Bell. I cried a little as Mr. Belding went off to teach at UT-Chattanooga.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

True confessions

I am a bit of a savant when it comes to games like Tetris.

Sometimes, I have to hold my hands up and make Ls to remember left and right.

I remember conversations from years ago in excrutiating detail.

My sixth grade class drove two substitute teachers out of the profession. I was a part of it. I apologize. I was only 11.

I can be totally passive aggressive.

I am a major Brady Bunch fan. I can relate anything in life to a Brady Bunch episode. I lost my entire weekend watching a Brady Bunch marathon. I was thrilled when they did a reunion episode. I even watched the weird spin-off shows.

My cohorts and I used to spend entire mornings trying to make this girl in my college writing class cry.

I talk in my sleep. A lot.

I did everything in my power to avoid my science homework in junior high.

I have been known to eat nothing but mashed potatoes for dinner.

I can be bought with peanut butter.

I started most of the book-related protests in seventh grade literature class. Mrs. Weitzner had it coming.

I was the ringleader behind the whole torture the annoying coworker thing...both times. Yes, reversing her belongings the time she said left-handed people were freaks was my idea. So was the Saran Wrap. I had help with the rat. And the cowboys and indians.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

10 Rules for Southern cuisine

1. If it isn't pork, find a way to add pork to it.
2. If it is even slightly healthy, find a way to change that.
3. Corn counts as your one vegetable. So do french fries.
4. Cholesterol? What's that?
5. At least 75% of the meal must be able to be eaten utensil free.
6. At least 60% of the meal must be some shade of yellow.
7. Anything green must be cooked until it fades to a shade of yellow or covered in something yellow.
8. All good meals require at least 12 napkins. Appropriate articles of clothing may be substituted for the napkins.
9. Butter is good. Cream is better. Lard is best. Skim milk is for wimps.
10. If all else fails, deep fry it.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Ow.

Getting four wisdom teeth pulled is unpleasant.
And I'm too numb to take anything.
Ow.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Invaded Space

What to do when someone/thing invades your personal space? What to do when that someone/thing isn't exactly a physical object, but a foul smell.

On the elliptical machine at the gym. The fellow next to me is running hard and drenched in sweat. He smells like a dead animal hiding at the bottom of a teenage boy's gym locker.

It's very hard to run two miles while mouth breathing.

Would it have qualified as rude for me to say "Sir, you smell like a dead animal hiding under a 14 year old boy's dirty sneakers, could you please move to a different machine?"

Luckily for me, I was watching a Seventh Heaven rerun (well, listening to one, I was also stuck on the machine where the TV can't hold a picture) and Reverend Camden and his cheesy children just have a calming effect on me.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Scenes from a Kentucky superstore

Teenage boy holding a slim red book: This ain't a dictionary, mom. It's a thee-a-saurus.
Baffled looking mom: Wut?
Boy: A thee-a-saurus.
Mom: What's a thee-a-saurus?
Boy: It's like words that are almost the same.
Mom: It's wut?
Boy: A thee-a-saurus. It lists words that almost mean the same thing. It ain't a dictionary.
Mom: Then put it back.

I don't make this up.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Scenes from a science museum

In the drunk driving simulator game:
Redneck guy to small impressionable girl: Ya drive better when ya been drinkin' 'cause you got no fear.

Sad part is, he did better on the drunk part than on the sober part...

Opening a supply closet at the change of activities:
The door was locked, the lights were out and there are two teenagers inside.
Flustered teenage girl: Oh, hi! (overly singsong voice) I was just getting this (grabs random activity box off of shelf).
Not flustered enough teenage boy: mumble mumble mumble mumble.

When later confronted by the appropriate supervisor, the girl was mature enough to admit it. The boy denied it despite having bragged of his conquest moments earlier to a girl who didn't really like him enough to not rat him out.


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

hot hot hot

Who are all these people who love summer?

Where do they come from?

Do they not have jobs they have to go to? Is that it? Are the people who love summer all teachers at some fantasy school where they have exorbitantly high salaries and can take the summer off and spend their summer frolicking in the sun?

I'm just sitting here in 90 degrees and 95% humidity and trying to understand what there is to like. I'm not trying to be bitter, it just confuses me. In the cold depths of winter, I can keep piling more and more clothing on until I'm warm. In the summer, I will eventually be naked and still hot and no one will be happy.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Crappy remakes

Why does the world continue to make bad remakes of good movies?
Why do I keep feeling compelled to watch them?
Do I think that one day a remake will actually be good?
Why do I let bad remakes ruin my memories of great movies?

Bad remakes I have watched (sometimes more than once)

Yours, Mine and Ours: Lucille Ball was so good. This version was so bad. The kids bugged me. The parents made me angry. It wasn't even funny.

Love Affair: Warren Beatty, Annette Benning and nothing worth seeing. Ever.

Godzilla 2000: I went to see this in the theater because a guy I knew had one line in it. His part got cut and I was seriously rooting for the lizard to win.

Cheaper By the Dozen: Let's take a great movie about how a family functions and supports each other with twelve kids and turn it into a series of cheap gags about puke and a bunch of bratty kids who are unwilling to help out in the slightest. Even Steve Martin couldn't save this one. I mean, Hilary Duff and Ashton Kutcher? Since I didn't feel tortured enough, I found myself watching the sequel on an airplane a few months ago. Bad idea.

I'll address the myriad of terrible sequels I've wasted my time on in another entry. Those are even worse mistakes.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Breeding

Did you ever notice that once one woman you know gets pregnant, it's like everyone seems to. It's almost like it's contagious.

I've just gotten past that age where you have to go to a wedding every five minutes. I have plenty of single friends left, but things are slowing down to a reasonable pace.

Now, they're all reproducing. And it seems like all at once.

I think every other week I hear about someone else who either themselves are having a baby or whose wife is having one. And the problem is, I'm not a big baby shower fan and now I find myself in a position to potentially be planning three of them before Christmas.

Anyone know any non-embarassing shower games??

Monday, July 03, 2006

Fourth of July

Just got back from a very "Kentucky" Independence Day barbecue. Lots of beer, lots of pork and lots of fireworks.

Are there any other countries that have a holiday that they celebrate by getting drunk, burning livestock and blowing things up?

Saturday, July 01, 2006

You must carry cash

I was in line for a pay parking lot in downtown Louisville this morning and the car in front of me was taking far too long considering handing the woman money and getting your change should be a four second transaction.

After several minutes, the driver of the beat up pick up truck (who apparently has a child named Breanna who plays basketball) passed a piece of paper over to the attendant and was let in.

I got up to the attendant's booth.

Me: "Did I just watch someone pay you with a check?"
Nice but haggard woman in booth: "Yeah. Who comes down here without money?"
Me: "She wrote you a check for $2.50."
NBHWIB: "Came all the way here from out of town without money to pay for parking."

Okay, I'll admit I use my debit card sometimes for small amounts, but $2.50 in a public parking lot?? I don't care how small a city you're going to, if you're going downtown, assume you need to pay for parking.

Grocery store

Maybe I'm just getting old and cranky, but grocery stores really irritate me.

I know they're trying to get you to spend money, but why does that require them to lay the store out in the most inconvenient way imaginable?

I generally do my shopping at a Kroger that is very near my house. However, I find that Kroger seems to intentionally make shopping there an ordeal. I've lived in four separate locations now that were near a Kroger. Only one of those four had a parking lot that wasn't laid out so as to maximize your chances at a collision with another car or a carelessly placed shopping cart. Inside, the aisles are so narrow you practically have to lift your cart to get past another shopper.

I will admit that I find the self-checkout to be one of life's greater inventions. I no longer have to wait while some bored teenager decides to stop talking to her friend and scan my groceries so I can leave. And no more waiting for some little old man to count out his pennies because he's probably not willing to tackle the U-Scan machine.

Unfortunately, "my" Kroger is one of the neglected one and it seems that there U-Scan machine is not quite properly maintained. It takes six tries to get anything to scan and every third item it flashes "please wait for cashier assistance." Unfortunately, the bored teenager is now in charge of eight U-Scan machines, instead of one register, and she's not paying attention to any of them. You have to perfect some sort of impatient dance to get any attention and move on with your order.

All this so I can buy some yogurt.